


The Dilation of a Pupil

by KultaValo



Category: Bandom, Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst with a Happy Ending, Crossdressing, First Kiss, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, Internalized Transphobia, M/M, Near Death Experiences, Self Confidence Issues, Slow Build
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-23
Updated: 2016-04-28
Packaged: 2018-06-04 01:58:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,947
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6636364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KultaValo/pseuds/KultaValo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Tyler's great aunt dies his father inherits her mansion. However the house is too big to keep so while his parents look for a buyer Tyler and Josh house sit. When Tyler finds something in a bedroom closet things change drastically for both of them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is based on a dream i had and it felt best to write it down.  
> Basically it's 9k of pinning and confusion but it has a happy ending.
> 
> Edit: i can't seem to change it but this fic will have multiple chapters

 

_**"Love can be something as big as fireworks, or something as small as the dilation of a pupil."** _

_**-F.O.R. Angel** _

 

They looked up at the house as they got out of their van.

It's was more of a mansion than a house Tyler thought, and to be honest the dark, vine covered walls looming over them kind of scared him.

He peeled his eyes away quickly and clasped Josh on the shoulder as he walked to the back of the van to start unpacking.

The house had belonged to Tyler's great aunt, but she had died a few months ago. For some reason she had left the house to Tyler's father instead of to her own children. Tyler suspected it was because his dad was the only one who agreed with her on everything, unlike her own kids who she often referred to as "a bunch of heathens".  
The house was old and kind of beautiful in an eerie way.

But it was too far away from anything to live in and too expensive to keep for just the Holliday's. So, Tyler was assigned the fun job of keeping an eye on it until they had a buyer.  
He hadn't objected too much, if he was completely honest he could kind of use some time away from his family. The only condition he had was that he could take josh with him so they could work on some music while they were there. His parents had agreed after a while but they didn't seem happy with it.

Tyler didn't care. He knew the house had some amazing acoustics and he couldn't wait to make good use of it.  
It took a while before they had gotten all of their instruments, equipment and suitcases inside. As soon as they set down the last cases they nearly collapsed on the floor of the foyer.  
It was cold inside, much colder than it had been out in the setting spring sun and Tyler quickly walked over to the entrance hall fire place to turn it on.  
Once he got a decent fire going he turned back to Josh who was looking around at the sombre decor.

"How did your family get this place again?" He asked as he studied a tapestry hanging next to the dwindling staircase.  
"We inherited it." Tyler answered as he started sorting out their bags, trying to figure out what should go where.  
"Inherited it from who? The Queen of England? This place is old dude. And big." Josh said, amazement apparent in his voice.  
Tyler smiled.  
"I don't think anyone really knows how we got it." He said "it's just kinda always been here."  
"That's creepy dude" Josh replied "that is some real horror stuff, please don't tell me it's haunted cause I will sleep in the van and after that seven hour drive I really don't wanna sleep in the van."  
Tyler laughed at the concerned look on his friends face.  
"It's not haunted just dusty and cold. Now help me figure out where all this stuff needs to go and then we can go figure out where to set up studio."

There were a few rooms they weren't allowed to use cause of the antiquities stored in them but a lot of the rooms were empty.  
They picked the tiny attic room as bedroom cause it had two single beds with the headboards pushed together and a window with a view of the valley. One of the empty guest rooms was quickly labelled studio cause of the dense carpet and padded wallpaper. They unloaded their bags of food in the kitchen and took the master bedroom as their dressing room to save space in their own room and because they could.

As night fell the house finally started to warm up from the fires they had made in all of the rooms. They had some ramen for dinner, cause it was the fastest thing to make and they were tired, and then went to bed.

Tyler did not dream that night.  
Or if he did he could not remember the next morning.

He had simply closed his eyes and opened them again eight hours later, seeing nothing but darkness in between.

Josh however did dream.  
He dreamt of bright colours and sunlit valleys and trees full of blossoms and bright ribbons.

When he woke up he felt happy and refreshed.

When Tyler woke up he felt sad and tired.

It was something he had grown accustomed to lately.  
In his heart he hoped it was a phase but in his mind he knew better.

Living with his family had never been easy. He felt out of place, incomplete, like a puzzle with half of the pieces missing and the other half just shoved into random slots.

But lately it had gotten worse. He started talking less, smiling less, being tired all the time.

His parents had noticed.

That was why they sent him away. So the fresh air could do him good and so they wouldn't have to deal with him.

He was old enough to take care of himself and they had three other kids to look after.

Josh on the other hand had been happy.  
He was making music with his best friend and his mind was full of ideas and pretty pictures.  
When Tyler had asked him to come along to the house he had immediately jumped on the opportunity. He wanted to record an album and what better way to do it than in a grand mansion somewhere in the country side.

At the moment they were polar opposites.  
But Tyler still smiled at Josh, and Josh was still serious around Tyler. Cause they were best friends and that is what best friends do.

When Tyler woke up josh was still sound asleep. Tyler let him be, Josh had driven the car for the most part yesterday and could use an hour or two of extra rest.

Their dressing room was a floor down and as Tyler walked over he looked at the framed artwork on the walls and tried to remember what rooms he was allowed into and what rooms he wasn't.

When he got to the dressing room he looked around before grabbing clothes. They had simply dumped their bags there last night without really giving it much of a second thought but the room was actually beautiful. There were fresco's of angels on the ceiling and the walls were adorned with delicately painted rose vines in baby blue and gold against a solid white backdrop.  
The bed in the middle of the room was big, it could easily fit four people, The sheets were red and gold, matching the heavy curtains of the canopy above it.  
The room also held a large writing desk facing a wall of big windows, looking out over the garden, and some glass cabinets with antique goblets and quills.

There was a pair of big doors on the wall opposite the windows and Tyler wondered if they lead to another room or simply to a closet.  
When he opened them dozens of dresses spilled out, unfolding after god knows how long of being stuffed into a slightly too small closet.

Tyler had to admit, they were beautiful.

As he tried to shove them back his hand hit a particular fabric which sent shivers down his spine. He grabbed onto it and pulled out the dress it belonged to.

It was the deepest darkest black Tyler had ever seen, darker than his mother's funeral dress, darker than Josh's hair, darker than the darkness he saw when he closed his eyes.

The fabric was soft, almost silky, and for some reason Tyler couldn't stop touching it.  
The dress itself reminded him somewhat of a nightgown, or a summers dress. It was about knee length, with elbow length sleeves that reminded Tyler of pumpkins. The neckline was oval and kind of bunched up, as if a ribbon ran trough it.

He looked at it for what seemed like hours, until he heard soft footsteps coming down the hallway. When he heard those he quickly shoved the dress back into the closet and closed it before sprinting over to his bag and grabbing out the first pair of jeans and t-shirt he could find. When Josh entered the room Tyler was just zipping up his pants and fixing his shirt.

He feared his heartbeat was so loud that Josh could hear it, or that his anxiety was so bad Josh could sense it.

But Josh just gave him a small smile and a groggy sounding 'morning' before rummaging trough his own bag in search for clean clothes.  
Tyler softly muttered back a 'morning' of his own before walking out of the room and heading towards the kitchen.

He didn't know why he had reacted so strongly, to either the dress or Josh walking in, but he knew it was wrong.  
He didn't know what 'it' was but he was certain his parent's wouldn't approve.  
So he tucked it away like he had done so many other times with so many other things and just continued with his day.

The kitchen was big but surprisingly modern for such an old house.  
It had a microwave and a coffee machine and an electric teakettle Tyler decided to make use of. He was glad they had brought their own groceries cause apart from an excessive amount of tea bags there was nothing else consumable in the kitchen.

He pulled out a bowl, some cereal and milk and tried his hardest not to think about anything.

When Josh walked in after a few minutes he eased up a bit.

When Josh started talking whilst shovelling cereal into his mouth Tyler completely forgot about the mornings events.

They had a few weeks before anyone would come to check up on them and they decided to make the most out of it. Tyler had a few pages of scribbled lyrics that were ready to go and Josh had been working on various drum beats. The goal now was to mix them together into an actual song.

So that was how they spent their day. Huddled up in the padded room, only leaving for toilet breaks and the occasional snack.

When the sun had set and the moon was high up in the sky a full song echoed trough the empty rooms and hallways of the house.  
They recorded it in one take.

When they were done Tyler went to the kitchen to make them sandwiches and Josh went to take a shower.

For the first time in a while Tyler felt happy. The song had turned out great and he felt confident that this vibe would continue.

He looked out of the kitchen window and up at the stars as he waited for Josh to finish his shower and join him for their midnight dinner.

When he did they ate in comfortable silence, tired but happy.

Afterwards Josh went straight to bed. He had hit his drums more passionately than ever before and it had taken it's toll.  
Tyler however did not feel tired enough yet. Instead of sleeping he explored the house. There were lots of bed rooms, a library, a couple of bathrooms, a big dining room and finally a ballroom.

The ballroom was amazing. It's hardwood floors were polished so much Tyler could see his reflection in them. The walls were decorated with scenes from what seemed to be a fairy tale, animals skipping trough the forest and pixies flying over lakes. There was a wall made out of floor to ceiling French windows that led into the garden and in the far right corner Tyler spotted a beautiful black piano.

It was big, not like his own small wooden one, but like the ones pretty ladies would sit on to sing in the movies.

As soon as Tyler saw it, a melody popped into his head and he had to play it.  
It was soft and sad and it made Tyler's heart swell. He closed his eyes as he played and let his hands be guided by the music.  
When he was done and he opened his eyes again Josh was standing in the doorway, leaning against the doorframe with his arms crossed and a smile on his face.

His smile however faltered when he walked over to where Tyler was sitting.  
"Tyler are you okay?" He asked with a frown.  
Tyler frowned back, but realized why Josh was worried when he felt a tear rolling down his cheek and falling onto his hand.  
He quickly wiped it away.

"Yeah I'm fine, don't worry Josh," he said and gave his friend a small smile " I'm just tired."  
Josh patted Tyler on the back.  
"Well let's go upstairs then, we could both use some rest." He said and Tyler nodded.

When he collapsed into bed he quickly closed his eyes, preferring the darkness behind his eyelids over the darkness surrounding him.

Listening to the wind outside, blowing through the trees and Josh's breathing opposite his own head quickly lulled him to sleep.

And Tyler dreamed.

He dreamed of the piano in the ballroom, he dreamed of walking through the forest in black clothes, he dreamed of looking at the sunset through the kitchen windows.

And then he dreamt of jumping over cracks in the earth with lava flowing several feet beneath him, while josh was standing on solid ground behind him.

He dreamt of his parents looking at him, angry and disapproving.  
He dreamt of the dress he had held today and of his father stabbing him in it.


	2. Chapter 2

Tyler woke up gasping for air and grabbing at his chest, searching for wounds that weren't there.

When he heard Josh move he held his breath.

A muttered "Tyler... What's going on.." Sounded in the darkness behind him.  
"Nothing Josh, go back to sleep." He replied, staring out in front of him with a hand still on his chest.

As Josh's breathing evened out again Tyler got up and went over to the shower.  
He was drenched in sweat and it wasn't like he'd be able to go back to sleep after that anyway.

The hot water burned it's way down his back and fogged up the mirror. 

If he put his hands over his ears the water clattering down on his skull sounded like rain on a roof and for a moment he felt as big as the house he was in.

When he wiped down the mirror and looked at his reflection all he saw was tired eyes and pale skin.

Tyler had always liked himself better in the summer, when his skin reflected the gold of the sun and the nights were shorter. He got more sleep during summers too, going to sleep and waking up when the sun was out was so much better than doing the same in the darkness.

But unfortunately, it was only spring. And Tyler was tired. 

He was tired of his family's expectations, he was tired of being seen as the odd one out, the family failure.  
He was tired of not being able to be himself, even though he wasn't sure who he was if he was completely honest.  
And that was something he was tired of too.  
Not knowing who was looking back at him from the mirror.

He wrote songs like he lived, with scattered lyrics and mixed up beats. And for once, Tyler would like to find out who he actually was.

When he got to the dressing room he felt angry.  
He felt angry at his own clothes for being such a mess and not sticking to one style and he felt angry at the dress in the closet making him confused. 

He wanted to put it on to prove it wrong.   
To prove to the dress that it was just a stupid piece of cloth and that he didn't care about it.

But when he did put it on Tyler got scared.

He got scared because it fit, and it felt nice. The pumpkin sleeves flared out around his elbows and the hem of the dress swayed around the black leggings he had put on before angrily stomping over to the closet. The neckline was like that of a tank top, resting slightly beneath his collar bones.

He caught a glimpse of his reflection on one of the glass display cases and his first thought was that he could get away with this.

The dress combined with the leggings looked a lot like a long shirt. A "girly" shirt but a shirt nonetheless. Tyler subconsciously smiled, and then he started to panic.

This was not what he had wanted, he wanted to prove himself wrong and it hadn't worked. He quickly pulled the dress back over his head and shoved it far in the back of the closet. 

He exchanged his leggings for a pair of Josh's dirty and ripped up old jeans, something that could not possibly be mistaken for "girly", and put on a shirt with the name of his church on it.

Tyler felt dirty.  
If he hadn't just taken a shower he would have taken one now.

When he got to the kitchen Josh was already there, shovelling spoonful’s of cereal into his mouth while flipping through a local newspaper.  
Tyler didn't say a word, not wanting to draw attention to himself. 

And yet that was exactly what he did.

Josh looked up, frowning.  
"Tyler? What's wrong? He asked, voice sounding concerned.

"Nothing Josh, I'm fine." Tyler said as he turned his back to his friend and started preparing his own breakfast.

"No you're not." Josh replied and Tyler looked up.  
"Tyler I know you haven't been okay for a while now. You're so quiet and you look tired, come on buddy, we're friends, you can tell me." Josh sounded sad and it broke Tyler's heart a bit.

But not enough.

“I swear, Josh, I'm okay." Tyler muttered.

"Is it about your clothes?" Josh asked tentatively and Tyler's eyes grew wide.  
"What?" He said, turning around to look at Josh.  
"Your clothes. When I walked passed the dressing room you were wearing something different, and you looked angry. What was that about?" Josh asked, brows knit together questioningly.

Tyler stared at his feet.  
"I don't know what you're talking about." He mumbled, barely audible.  
" yeah you do," Josh continued  
" you were wearing leggings and like a long shirt or a tunic or something. And it obviously has something to do with all this, otherwise you wouldn't avoid eye contact like you are now."

Dang.

Josh knew him too well.

"It's nothing Josh just leave it." Tyler said as he turned back to the counter and continued preparing breakfast.  
Josh sighed.  
"Fine, whatever, don't tell me." He muttered as he continued flipping through his paper.

Tyler took the seat diagonally opposite Josh and they ate in silence for a while before Josh gasped and looked up excitedly.

"Ty there's an open mic night in town! He exclaimed, pointing at the paper.

The ad filled the page, white letters on a black background. It seemed to be at some kind of dinner theatre. The date was one week from now.

Tyler wasn't sure, but Josh seemed excited. And even though Tyler could avoid answering a serious Josh, he could never say no to an excited Josh.

"We should go there." Tyler said with a small smile. "We have some songs and a week to practice, what do you think?"

Josh's smile grew and Tyler felt less tired.

"Dude that would be awesome!" Josh said, nearly jumping out of his seat.

"We should make a set list, how many songs do you think we'll get to play? Do you know how to get to the village with the van?"

As Josh rattled on Tyler's smile grew. He loved seeing his friend this happy cause it made him happy. And even though Tyler knew that was a selfish motive to make Josh smile, it didn't hurt anyone and it always worked.

They worked on their songs as the day progressed. Josh had called the venue to ask if they still had a slot in the schedule for them and how many songs they were allowed to play.  
The answer was yes and two songs that were each under three minutes or one song under five minutes.

So they spent their time picking out songs, bouncing ideas off of each other and going through their bags to see if they had brought any clothes they could perform in.

They were done just before sunset.

They decided to do two covers instead of their own raw and partially finished stuff.  
Mad world and summertime sadness.  
Tyler felt like it somehow fit.

The sun coloured the kitchen a burnt orange through the windows and when Tyler stepped outside through the backdoor he smelled a mix of ice, leaves, and budding flowers. He closed his eyes and breathed in deep.

Even though Josh didn't make a sound Tyler knew he was standing beside him.

"I'm sorry." Tyler said as he exhaled the scent of the day.

"About what?" Josh replied.

Tyler opened his eyes and looked at his friend, the orange red glow of the setting sun casting shadows on his face and for a moment Tyler wondered why Josh was single.

"About how I acted this morning. I don't want to fight but I'm....I don't know. I just feel....strange. And I don't know how to talk about it.."

Tyler stopped talking. He felt that if he said more he would die and the feeling in his throat would eat him alive.

Josh put an arm around his shoulders.  
"It's okay Ty, you don't have to talk. I'm just worried about you man, you're my best friend but lately you're just so distant and I wanna help but I don't know how." Josh sighed and looked out over the garden.

It was gigantic.

The grass hadn't been cut in at least a month and wildflowers were slowly starting to pop up and bloom.  
There was a big pond, big enough to swim and maybe even fish in and the garden was surrounded by tall trees, marking the end of private property and the start of the forest. 

Tyler wanted to walk in there and never return. He wanted to just lay down under a tree and become one with the earth.

He wondered what it would be like to have dirt in his lungs and flowers in his heart.

"It's okay Josh." Tyler said "one day I'll figure it out."

He pat his friend on the back and walked back inside.

Their bedroom was dark and cold and Tyler collapsed into bed with his clothes still on.   
He pulled his blankets far over his head and wished for the darkness to swallow him whole.


	3. Chapter 3

Tyler woke with a shock, sitting up straight in his bed. He swung his legs over the edge of his and rubbed his eyes. To his right he could hear Josh's steady breath.

  
He got up and left the room as quietly as he could.

  
It was just before dawn and the dressing room was coloured that cold, pale, blue/black Tyler had always hated.

  
He hated the night for it's terrors but he hated the dawn even more for taking them away.

  
He was still wearing the clothes he had gone to sleep in and they gave him a weird sense of dishevelled accomplishment.

  
Tyler could practically feel the handles of the closet burn holes into his back as he undressed.

  
He tried to reason with himself.

  
He had simply been confused yesterday.

  
He felt better now.

  
He was sure that if he put on that dumb dress this time nothing would happen.

  
And for a moment he was right.

  
When the fabric slid over his shoulders he felt nothing.

  
But that changed when he looked down at himself.

  
When he looked down he felt a strange mixture of anxiety and relief.

  
Relief because he liked what he saw. Dark fabric swaying around his knees, motion with his every movement. He liked what the dress embodied. A sense of delicate power. A sense of slotting puzzle pieces into their correct places.

  
And that's where the anxiety set in.

  
Because he was never allowed to wear this. It wasn't his and neither were these feelings. Because these feelings were wrong. He had been told so many times before by many different people. By his parents when the topic came up on the television, by the pastor in his church during lectures. By every person of power he and his family had ever valued.

  
This wasn't him.  
This was not Tyler Robert Joseph, athlete and musician this was-

  
"Tyler?"  
Josh's voice came from the doorway.

  
No.  
No no no nononononononono this was not happening.

  
Josh's footsteps came into the room.

  
"No no no no no." Tyler mumbled as Josh came closer.

  
He turned around, looking at his friend, tears streaming down his face, still denying a question that had never been asked.

  
Tyler moved backwards as Josh moved forward, he walked down the side of the bed screaming the same word over and over as his voice shattered into a million pieces and he hit the wall. He sank to the ground and prayed for the floorboards to open up and suck him into the abyss.

  
But Josh kept coming closer as Tyler's voice faded and he sank to the floor with him and put his arms around Tyler who was still sobbing and shaking silently.

  
They stayed like that until the room had turned yellow in the dawn and Tyler could breathe again and Josh's white shirt had become marked with tear stains.

  
That's when Josh finally started talking.

  
"Is this what has been going on?" He asked and Tyler sighed in the way that one can only sigh after having lost a piece of their being through tears.

  
He wondered if Josh could feel the weight of the water on his shirt.

  
Apparently the sigh had told Josh enough.

  
" Tyler, we are not who our parents want us to be. We are our own person whether they like it or not."

  
Tyler started shaking his head.  
"I'm not, I'm not" he mumbled as he started to get dizzy.

  
Josh grabbed his face into both hands and looked Tyler in the eyes. His face was pale in between the red blotches that had popped up from crying, his eyes were bloodshot and the colour of his pupils reminded Josh of chopped wood, ready for a campfire, and honey in cinnamon tea.

  
"Tyler. You are who you are. There is no changing that, trust me. And who you are, is a beautiful person, inside and out. And no matter what you wear or how you feel I will always be your friend."

  
Tyler tried to say something. He wanted to tell Josh it was a mistake, that this wasn't what it looked like but all that came out was the word no.  
Josh didn't say anything. He just let go of Tyler's face and let him mumble into his shoulder.

  
After a while Tyler managed to croak out a full sentence.

  
"This isn't me."

  
Josh looked at him with a confused look on his face.  
"What do you mean?" He asked and Tyler did his best to find his words.

  
"I'm not like this." He said, lifting up a piece of the dress as form of explanation  
"This was a mistake."

  
Josh muttered his name but Tyler ignored him and stood up. He wanted to tear off the dress. And he would have, but it didn't belong to him and he knew better than to break things that weren't his. So he gently pulled it over his head and let it drop to the ground. He grabbed a shirt and a pair of pants from his bag and pulled them on before walking out of the room, leaving Josh on the ground next to the bed.

 

***

  
The earth was cold and wet underneath his bare feet as he stepped outside of the house. The day was still young and chilly as Tyler walked through the wet grass and towards the forest.

  
He thought of Josh, even though he tried not to. He thought of what he had said and of how this had been the first time Josh hadn't been able to make Tyler feel better.

  
He thought of how Josh was always certain of himself and he wondered what that felt like.

  
It took Tyler a surprisingly short amount of time to get to the edge of the forest and he wondered if he had been running.

  
The trees were looming over him like giants and he felt even smaller than he had before.

  
As soon as he stepped in between them the cold and the darkness enveloped him like a heavy cloak.

  
Grass and twigs bent and snapped underneath his feet and the farther Tyler walked the more he felt like the cold was taking hold of him, seeping into his skin like water into cloth.

  
At some point Tyler fell down. His feet hurt from the cold and the uneven soil and his fingers had become red. Lilac spots had started to bloom on his arms, telling Tyler that his circulation was not happy with his current conditions.

  
He didn’t care. He felt like he had destroyed everything he had because of one stupid mistake.

  
And he had to call it a mistake. Because if he called it anything else, called it what it really was -a revelation- he would surely be killed by one force or another. And there were many options as to what force it might be.  
His father.  
His mother.  
The Lord.  
His fellow church goer’s.  
His friends.  
Himself.  
Josh.

  
Even though Josh had told him it was alright Tyler couldn’t believe him. Something like this could never be alright. Not when all the evidence was against him.

  
Tyler closed his eyes and leaned his back against a near by tree. He listened to the birds and the wind through the leaves and imagined heaven.

  
Within moments, he fell asleep.

 

***

 

The first thing Tyler realized when he started to wake up was that there was something periodically shaking him. And every now and then he felt something touch his lips. Like a twig, or maybe a finger.

  
When he opened his eyes he saw Josh. And he felt a pang of sadness and anxiety in his stomach.

  
Josh looked worried. When he realized Tyler was awake he scrambled to hold his face in his hands.

  
“Tyler? Tyler say something, please, oh my god you are so cold, your lips are all blue, Tyler please!”

  
That explained what he had felt. Josh had probably touched his lips to feel if he was still breathing.

  
“ I’m okay Josh.” Tyler muttered softly. “I was just asleep.”

  
Josh let out a sigh of relief.

  
“oh thank god.” He said and Tyler wished he hadn’t, cause if anything, God would surely not care for him anymore.

  
“come on Ty, we need to get you back to the house, you need to get warm again.”

  
Tyler made no efforts to stand up. He felt like Josh would be better off without him but Josh didn’t seem to agree. He scooped Tyler up bridal style and walked them out of the forest.

  
Now Tyler knew he wasn’t very heavy, but he was still a fully grown man, and the fact that Josh had just lifted him up and started walking was seriously impressive. Tyler wondered if he’d gotten so strong because of drumming or if it was more of an inner strength.

  
The sun was high in the sky when they got back to the house and Tyler felt sorry for Josh.

He felt sorry for leaving him in the dressing room by himself, he felt sorry for running away to the forest where Josh probably searched for hours for him and he felt sorry for Josh having to put up with his bullshit all the time.

  
Josh had set Tyler down in front of the kitchen’s fireplace with a blanket and some hot tea. He had told Tyler to stay put and that he wanted to show him something and then he had left the room.

  
Tyler wondered if Josh would come back with his Bible to lecture him about his sins.

  
That, however, was not the case.

  
When Josh came back he was wearing entirely different clothes than when he had left the room.

  
He was wearing a black maxi dress with short sleeves and high slits on the sides, revealing fake leather leggings underneath, he was also wearing a long black robe covered in pink and red roses and bright pink dr. Marten’s boots.

  
Tyler felt angry.

  
“Is this a joke?” he hissed out. “Cause I swear Josh if it is it’s not-“

Josh cut him off.

“It’s not a joke Ty.” He said in a calm voice. “Everything I’m wearing is mine.” Tyler’s anger faded and was replaced by confusion. He had never seen Josh in any of this, surely he wasn’t telling the truth.

  
Josh went and sat down next to Tyler.  
“ At first it was just rebellion. Against my parents, against society, against whatever was in my way. But it wasn’t just that. I like these clothes Tyler. They give me a sense of freedom, a sense of knowing who I am. And even though I don’t wear them very often I still love them. And there is nothing wrong with that.”

  
Tyler looked at josh with big eyes.

  
“But...but the church says-“  
“Tyler the Bible was written centuries ago when everyone wore a dress. I think it’s okay.”

  
Tyler let out a shaky laugh. He still wasn’t fully convinced he wasn’t going to be subjected to eternal damnation but at least Josh had regained his ability to make Tyler feel better no matter what.

  
He looked Josh over with teary eyes, biting his fingernails before muttering “you look really nice” from behind his hand with a crack in his voice and a shaky smile.

  
Josh beamed his brighter-than-the-sun smile at him and enveloped him in a hug.

  
Tyler felt a bit awkward. Not because of the hug but because of the drama he had caused. If he had just talked about what had been bothering him none of this nonsense would have happened.

  
“Josh” Tyler muttered into his friends shoulder.  
“Why didn’t you tell me about this? I’ve never seen you in these clothes before.”

  
Josh shrugged.  
“I guess for the same reason you didn’t tell me. I was afraid what you would say.”

  
Tyler nodded. He knew exactly what he meant.


	4. Chapter 4

  
The few bags of groceries they had brought with them were almost completely gone.

  
They had two slices of bread, an orange, a half empty carton of juice that was really pushing the expiration date and exactly thirteen coco puffs. Josh counted.

  
So they got some money from the grocery jar they had set up, like the responsible adults they were, and headed to town.

  
Or well, village, it wasn’t exactly big enough to be called a town.  
The main local exports were nature products, wood, honey and beeswax candles, herbs and flowers, things like that.

  
It wasn’t too far from the house to the grocery store so Tyler and Josh walked. They’d been inside for nearly a week and they could really use the exercise.

  
The spring sun was warm on their backs and Tyler enjoyed it immensely. He could feel his skin soak up the energy and wash away his worries.  
He was wearing Josh’s floral robe as a coat over his long black shirt and skeleton leggings and his beat up vans. Josh was wearing a similar outfit consisting of a long red tank top, grey ripped up jeans and his red skater shoes.

  
Tyler felt happy. Happier than he had felt in months. He was skipping down the gravel path leading to the bridge crossing the river that separated the house from the village. The robe flared out behind him like a cape and he heard Josh laugh.

  
“Dude you look like a flowery super hero.” He said with a smile as Tyler struck a pose before folding over with laughter himself.

  
After Tyler’s big freak out -and in Josh’s opinion, near death experience- they had a talk. Tyler had told Josh what was going on in his head, how he was scared and uncertain of what was going on. He hoped Josh didn’t turn it into a gay thing and he didn’t. Actually he explicitly stated it wasn’t a gay thing. Which, now that Tyler thought about it, kind of struck him as strange.

Tyler knew he wasn’t as straight as his parents probably would have wanted him to be, but he only brought girls home so it was the only sin he allowed himself. Because it was a sin he had no intention of acting on. But he was cool with it.

But the clothes thing had freaked him out. Cause you need two people to kiss, but this was something he needed no one else for and had easy access to. His sister’s closet was only a few rooms away after all.

But Josh had seriously talked him down. Having gone through the same things he had some advice.

  
He elaborated on how it wasn’t a sin and how, if he styled it well, he could get away with it.

They had gone through their bags and the closet in the dressing room and Josh had helped him put together some stuff and, at multiple points, avoid a panic attack.

  
And now Tyler felt happy. As long as he didn’t think about anything besides getting groceries for longer than a minute. Because if he let his mind wander for longer than exactly sixty seconds he felt like he would collapse.

  
So he thought about what kind of pizza he wanted and whether they should get coco pops or lucky charms. He thought about how beautiful the river looked, reflecting the sunlight in liquid diamonds, and he talked to Josh about how they should really have made a shopping list to avoid impulse buying.

  
They had taken a hundred bucks. Cause even though they were grown up enough to make a grocery money jar, and Tyler knew how to look for bargains, he wasn’t exactly sure how much a weeks worth of groceries actually cost in total.

  
The village was a pretty busy place, mothers were pushing strollers down the streets, talking and laughing to each other, kids were running around, chasing each other on the carless streets and people were sitting on café terraces, sipping drinks and enjoying the sunshine.

Josh was excited. He always was when he got to a new town. He wanted to explore the shops and the restaurants and it was even better than just exploring a random town cause Tyler had been here before so he already knew all of the good spots to go to.

They walked past a clothing store, summer dresses displayed in the window. Josh stopped to look inside while Tyler kept walking on. After a few feet Tyler realized Josh wasn’t walking behind him anymore and when he looked back he saw Josh practically bouncing in front of the store.

“What’s up Josh?” Tyler asked as he went to stand beside him.  
“Ty, nobody knows us here, we could totally just buy stuff like this!” Josh exclaimed.

Tyler smiled uncertainly. Buying clothes would make it real. Right now he was living on borrowed time and borrowed cloth because as soon as he got back home this would all be over. The dresses in the window were nice but he didn’t see anything he absolutely had to have.

“I don’t know Josh, we only brought money for the groceries.” He said. Josh’s shoulder’s slumped a bit but he persevered.

“I’ll put the money back in the jar when we get back, I just wanna look around.”

Tyler looked from the store window to his friend and back. There was a pair of shoes, he hadn’t seen them before but they were perfect.

After Tyler and Josh had talked Josh had given him his floral robe. He had told Tyler it looked better on him cause he was more of a floral guy anyway. The shoes had the same print as the robe, red and pink flowers on a black background. They looked like vans and in his mind he told himself he really did need some new shoes.

“I guess we could just look around.” He said and Josh’s smile grew.

The door of the store opened just as Tyler grabbed for the handle and an older man holding a bright pink gift box walked out and nearly bumped into him.

“oh excuse me I didn’t see you th-“ the man said before cutting himself off.

“Tyler Joseph is that you?” the man said and Tyler’s heart sank. He had been caught. He didn’t know the man but the man knew him and if he knew him he knew his parents and if he knew his parents he could rat him out and-

“Why, I haven’t seen you in years! You probably don’t remember me, I’m doctor Jefferson, I put a cast on your arm when you broke it when you climbed up that tree in your aunt’s backyard, oh you were quite the screamer haha! How are you boy, what are you doing in town?”

Tyler couldn’t speak. he tried to stutter out an answer but he simply couldn’t.  
Suddenly he felt Josh’s hand square on his back, warm and reassuring, and Josh’s voice, soft and smiling, answering the doctor.

“we’re here to house sit, until Tyler’s parents have found a buyer. I’m Josh, nice to meet you sir.” He said as he extended his hand which the doctor shook with a smile.

“that’s nice.” The doctor said “shame of the old lady but some new life in that old house might be nice for a change. So what are you boys doing today? Shopping for the girlfriend?” he let out a laugh and Josh chuckled with him. Meanwhile Tyler felt like his bones were made of pudding.

“ Actually it’s my sister’s birthday soon so I’m looking for a present for her.” Josh said, smile ever present on his face and Tyler wondered how he did that while lying through his teeth.

“well I wish you good luck, I just got my granddaughter a little something for her good grades but honestly shops like these are like a maze to me, I don’t know how women do it!” the doctor laughed again, apparently finding himself very funny. He bid them good bye and walked away. As soon as he was out of sight Tyler started hyperventilating. Josh dragged him into an alley next to the store and tried to calm him down. All Tyler managed to get out were the words doctor, tell, and mom.

Josh understood.

He told Tyler they didn’t have to go into the store but that they had an alibi if they did. He told him the doctor had no reason to tell his mom anything bad cause they hadn’t done anything. He told him to look into his eyes and breathe with him and Tyler did.

Josh’s pupils were small because of the heavy sunlight. Tyler had once read that if a person’s eyes dilate while they look at you, they’re in love with you. But Josh’s pupils stayed the same and Tyler noticed that his eyes looked vaguely green in this light.

After a little while his breathing went back to normal.

I think we should just get groceries.” Tyler said, moving his eyes from Josh to looking at his feet and his dirty grey vans with a small hole near his right big toe.

Josh nodded and they continued their walk to the store in silence.  
When they were done the sun was starting to set. The grocery store was built like a labyrinth and a lot of the brands Tyler and Josh knew and loved were either called something different or just weren’t there.

In the end they bought way too much stuff. More than they could carry so Tyler went to get the van while Josh waited by the bags.

On their way back they debated whether they should eat the pizzas they got or if they should try out the taco kit they found. In the end they agreed on pizzas cause it was faster.  
That night Tyler and Josh went back into the studio. The open mic was at the end of the week and they still had some rehearsing to do.

Josh had decided to wear a pale blue summer dress for the performance. It had a lace pattern near the bottom and a boat neck neckline, he had cut off the sleeves so he could move his arms more easily and he would wear his fake leather leggings with it. Josh felt good about it, and his confidence had convinced Tyler to wear the black dress for the performance. It made him feel the eggshell kind of happy he had felt before. As long as he kept his mind light he wouldn’t break.

***

Later that night Tyler went back to the ballroom. The moonlight coming through the windows hit the big chandelier in the middle of the room, which scattered the light all over the floor and walls in tiny droplets of silver.

The notes poured out of the piano like water and Tyler felt confident knowing he could drown in them. When his vision became blurry he closed his eyes.

He imagined the ballroom full of people. Ladies and gentlemen in 18th century evening wear, swaying across the floor like brightly coloured smoke in the breeze. He couldn’t make out any faces, everyone was wearing masks.

Except for Josh.

In his mind Josh was standing at the other side of the room dressed in an intricately embroiled emerald gown. The skirt was big and long enough to hit the floor as Josh walked over to where Tyler sat behind the piano. As he got closer Tyler could see his kohl rimmed eyes glistening in the light, a soft smile on his face.

Suddenly he heard Josh’s voice, but it didn’t come from the Josh Tyler saw behind his eyelids.

In reality Josh was standing next to him rubbing his eyes and yawning, startling Tyler out of his daydream.

“hi Josh” Tyler said, barely audible, his voice didn’t seem to want to cooperate.

“Tyler I love you playing the piano I really do” Josh said before he cut himself of by yawning again. “but it’s almost three am buddy and maybe you should get some sleep.”

Three am? Tyler had completely lost track of time.

“yeah let’s go.” He mumbled as he got up from behind the piano and stretched his back.

Josh patted him on the back and walked out in front of him. The way the legs of his pyjama pants dragged across the floor reminded Tyler of the dress he had wore in his mind.He shook his head to get rid of the memory but it lingered.

That night Tyler dreamt of music and ball gowns.

Josh dreamt of getting lost in the trees.


	5. Chapter 5

The day of the gig was grey and rainy and most of it went by in a blur for both Tyler and Josh.

At some point they had packed their clothes and instruments into the van and driven to town. Once they set foot into the venue everything came crashing into focus.

The venue was relatively large, bigger than some of the bars they had played back home. The stage was elevated with ramps leading up on both sides and tables and chairs in front of it, typical dinner theatre style. They were allowed to set up their gear behind a row of curtains so all they would have to do later was wheel it out.

Backstage was buzzing with people either getting ready to perform or helping others get ready. Josh and Tyler felt a bit uncomfortable to say the least.

They knew no one besides each other and the stares some people gave them as they got dressed did not help.

 

They looked at some of the other performers from behind the curtains once the evening started, their nerves growing with every “boo” and calming with every round of applause.

Eventually after what seemed like hours of waiting but also seemed like the blink of an eye, it was their turn to go on stage.

Tyler’s heart pounded away in his chest, blood rushing so loud it was the only thing he could hear. Josh was shaking, making his drumsticks tap together with every movement of his hands.

When they got on stage they quickly rolled out their instruments. Josh counted down and started playing the opening of mad world and Tyler soon joined in.

The song went well. Tyler thanked God that his nerves hadn’t manifested themselves in his voice and when he looked into the audience from underneath his eyelashes he could see people moving along to the beat.

Tyler knew that the next song would be mainly audio tracks so he decided to get out from behind his piano. The audience seemed to have a good time which made it easier for him. He sang the first few lines on centre stage, feeling extremely open and raw but not in a bad way. He felt Josh’s eyes on his back and it felt soothing. When the beat picked up so did Tyler, he jumped around and went running down the left slope leading from the stage into the audience.

Halfway down he slipped and braced himself to hit the floor. He closed his eyes and stuck out his arms but the crash never came. When he opened his eyes he was staring straight at Josh, who was holding him in a semi French dip.

Josh didn’t know how he had caught Tyler, hadn’t even realized he had gotten up from behind his drums. But here he was, with one hand on his lower back and the other one holding his shoulder.

Josh had once read that if a person’s eyes dilate while they look at you, they’re in love with you. Tyler’s pupils were slowly growing bigger and for some reason that made Josh smile. From the stage he could hear the last chorus of the song starting and Tyler sang it out of habit.

Josh sang with him.

Once the last note faded away the lights went out. The audience clapped and Tyler and Josh let each other go. They walked back to the stage and cleared away their stuff for the next act. Backstage they high fived and hugged and smiled those knowing smiles people have when they are truly happy.

Something out there had happened, something had changed between them. Something tiny in the way their chests clenched when they smiled real big. Something insignificant, like the dilation of a pupil.

 

When they got back to the house it was late. The night was warm and bright and the moon and stars lit their way from the van to the door. Tyler felt happy. Not the kind of eggshell happy he had been before but truly painfully happy.

The kind of happy that could kill a man if he didn’t mind his head.

This time it was Josh who felt the fragility of his happiness. If he kept his eyes on Tyler and just watched and didn’t think he’d be okay. Because Josh knew what it had meant. They had shared a moment they should never have shared and the feeling it gave him scared him.

Because Josh could wear as many dresses and skirts, leggings and crop tops, and robes and even heels as he wanted to, because he knew he wouldn’t get in trouble for it. It wasn’t a sin and he knew it.

But he couldn’t fall into the stereotypes his clothes came with. He wasn’t like that and he didn’t want to be. Besides, his parents would kill him. Or at the very least ban him from seeing Tyler again. And he couldn’t have that.

So he just watched. For a while. Had been watching for quite some time now.

He watched as Tyler laid down in the grass next to the stairs leading to the front door, he watched as he beckoned him to come lie beside him.

He watched him watch the stars and he watched him smile. He watched him ramble about their performance and he watched as Tyler suddenly got quiet. Josh’s eyes darted from his eyes to his lips and back.

Josh wondered how it would feel to be in the centre of two stars colliding.

He was certain the answer would be somewhere on Tyler’s lips.

When he connected them to his own he found out he was right.

The touch was short and sweet and within a minute Josh was out of Tyler’s orbit.

But Tyler had a way of mirroring Josh and it appeared that Josh’s lips held the answer to some of Tyler’s questions too.

The collision was swift once more, like a confirmation that yes, this was indeed the right thing to do, and it calmed Josh down.

The eggshells were still there but slightly sturdier this time.

That night they did not sleep in their attic room.

Instead they lit the fire in the living room hearth and slept on the rug in front of it, surrounded by pillows and blankets and each other.


	6. Chapter 6

The days after the performance were bright and soaked in sunshine.

They felt like nothing could stop them and they dressed accordingly.

Tyler’s parents would be visiting in a week but they tried not to think about that. 

They wrote songs that were jagged and loud and songs that were soft and quiet. They often left the studio with raw voiced and tear stained cheeks and beat up hands but it was okay because they could find comfort with each other. 

They had gone down to the village a few times, racing each other down the road and pulling each other from shop to shop by hand. They still hadn’t gone to the shop the had stared at the first time they’d gone to town and Josh wondered if they ever would.

They hadn’t talked about what had happened because they didn’t need to.

Both their intentions had been crystal clear and they felt comfortable knowing that, whatever had happened between them, was good.

The Wednesday before Tyler’s parents were planned to arrive Josh went to town by himself.He had seen Tyler eye the floral vans in the store window of that one shop ever since they had the encounter with the doctor there and josh felt like it was high time Tyler owned those puppies. He had peaked inside Tyler’s old beat up vans to make sure he knew the proper size and had gone into town under the guise of buying popcorn for movie night.

The lady in the shop eyed him as he walked past the shelves trying to find the right size and design and for a second Josh remembered he was wearing a faded pink shirt that said “cool girl” in big white letters combined with jeans that were so ripped up he might as well have stood there in his underwear, the only thing really keeping them together being the ten or twenty necklaces he had tied to the belt loops, which jingled with every step he took.

He figured it would be best to be as polite as possible and leave quickly.

The shoes were pretty easy to find and not as expensive as he thought they would be which meant he had some money left to actually buy the popcorn he had promised Tyler.

  
Josh was humming a tune as he walked back home, sun shining on his face, bags of popcorn under his arm and shoebox in his hands.

When he reached the house he saw Tyler sitting in the window above the front door. Josh waved and Tyler waved back. Josh could see him trying to get up but right before Tyler would have made it back inside he slipped and fell.

The moment seemed to slow down and speed up at the same time, one second Tyler was standing in the windowsill the next he was lying on the stairs leading to the front door, eyes closed while a tiny drop of blood was making it’s way down his forehead. Josh dropped everything and ran. It sounded as if someone was running behind him as well.

When he reached Tyler he was close to being out of breath. He dropped to his knees beside him and held his head in his hands.

Tyler seemed inhumanly pale and the blood coming from a small cut about an inch above his left eyebrow seemed impossibility red.

Josh whispered his name.

The footsteps he had heard behind him came closer and another body dropped down next to him. He didn’t look but when the person started talking he realized it was the doctor. Josh just kept whispering Tyler’s name and after what seemed like forever Tyler finally opened his eyes.

  
His eyes seemed unfocused, searching the sky and the brick walls of the house until the focused on Josh. The doctor was still talking but all josh could hear was his own heartbeat pounding in his ears and all he saw was Tyler’s big eyes, pupils blown wide.

He cradled Tyler close to his chest and for some reason he couldn’t help but laugh. When he let go he saw Tyler smiling too.

 

But the smile quickly faded when Tyler’s eyes wandered away from Josh and down the driveway.

A car had stopped right behind their van and his mother and father were standing next to it.

Tyler froze in Josh’s arms.  
‘They shouldn’t be here yet' was all he could think before he realized he was being cradled by his best friend and there was blood dripping from his head onto his floral robe.

Josh had noticed too. And while Tyler’s parents seemed to be caught in confusion he quickly pulled Tyler to his feet and ushered him inside while asking the doctor if he could please help out Mr. And Mrs. Joseph before slamming the door shut behind him.

He dragged Tyler up the stairs to their attic room where he sat him down on the bed and checked his wound. Once he realized it was just a small cut he calmed down and sank to his knees in front of Tyler and let out a deep sigh.

When he looked back up he couldn’t help but smile once more.

“We are up here...” he said as he grinned giddily.

“and my parents are outside” Tyler continued, expression mirroring Josh.

“And we’re....” Josh didn’t finished the sentence but they both knew what he had meant. The situation was both scary and awesome and they both couldn’t help but smile so bright it almost hurt.

Because they were here and everything that didn’t want them to be was right outside and they were scared shitless but even more than that, they were happy.

They were home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a shitty ending I know but this was genuinely how the dream ended and i don't want to drag it out and make it something it wasn't so here you go,  
> The end i guess.


End file.
